Oh, Xanga/LJ, how I continuously come back to you.

It's better for long text, I don't feel like Tumblr's much for that although I've been using it that way because it was more convenient than logging on here or to LJ separately.

I love looking at my entries and how I say things and go back and trust and go back. It makes me want to hit myself on the head, but at the same time I don't care.

I've been having flashbacks a lot lately. Too many movies, maybe, but I've been having my memories reappear constantly. At first it was hard to deal with my memory of stupid landmark dates, but now it's just nice and makes me smile.

Yesterday, I went to improv with Alex , Kyle and Rob for the first time since last summer. We got out of the R train station around 28th and I looked at where we were, half paying attention and noticed the lovely, golden arches of McDonald's. Then I just stared and remembered instantly.

Last winter, my winter class. Getting out, calling Glenn to see where he was. We were going to talk and I remember thinking he was at the McDonald's right outside SBU Manhattan, and peering in to surprise him but he wasn't there. Then finding out he had taken the 1 or the R, I can't recall too clearly, haha, and so he wasn't at 28th right outside but blocks over. I remember asking why he did that, and the cold, crisp air. Meeting in McDonald's and feeling like it wasn't the place to really talk. Then the hobo who asked for money and leaving immediately.

Meeting people, who I can't recall.

Awkward exchange on the train and asking if I wanted to go to a movie. Wedding Wars. Smiles. Friends.

Improv last year. For some reason, Glenn getting off the train to move up and the doors closing. Alex, Rob and I watching and staring. Then laughing also as it pulled away and others laughing. Thinking oh, he can call, and reaching into my bag and remembering, crap, he gave all his stuff to me. Meeting finally. An awkward stranger telling us nothing more beautiful than young people in love and that we had some deep stuff, then asking for money. Haha.

Oh, the memory.

What we weren't prepared for. How the dynamic between friends can so easily change once relationship is thrown on the title.

How things are different, yet still the same in other ways, like yesterday. It'll all be alright.

It's been quite a long time since I've really sat down to write anything.
I've been struggling a lot - on a roller coaster of emotions for sure - but also struggling with myself.

I have become a person I never thought I'd be. I am the same, but also different. I've started to hide things - keep them to myself and that was never me. For one, I've opened up my blog again.

I've been hurt, definitely. Like Michele said, and that's probably what's made it so hard for me to stand up and say what I've wanted to. There is never a 'right moment'. I keep chickening out.

I am constantly fine and then *snap* like that, I'm freaking paranoid again. Obsessing over every.single.detail. I should NOT be this way. This is not me. I always worried in freakish amounts over friendships and keeping them. Never over boys, never over something like this. Last year, you could've asked anyone, at the beginning, I was okay with things not being perfect. Being weird, in fact. Now, I cannot handle it anymore.

It's sad, but once the silence sets in, it consumes my mind, my thoughts. The whole break. I lacked any initiative to do anything. I looked at myself one day and said "What are you doing?" I no longer am sure of what I am doing with my life...after being so sure for so many years, I am not. And while I should be freaking out about it, I do not care so much. Of course I care in some sense, but I lacked much or any needed motivation to do anything about it.

I should have studied for the GRE, I should have gotten my act together and not let anything get in the way. That was the old me, so focused on what I had to do and get done. Kim's scrapbook page said something about my determination. What happened to that? I have no idea. Since when have I let boys and problems run my life?! Never.

Even when my grandma passed away, as much as I was devastated, I kept on doing school, focused. I think the problem is it was a break. It's good I guess that I have learned to open up more, but in the same moment, this has almost pushed me all the way back to square one of a year ago.

It's like sometimes I feel like I went through all of that to wind up at the beginning again? But then I think differently, of how if you really want something to work, it has ups and downs you have to get through. Who is this worrier?

Emily said we would be each other's motivations, as well as Krista, to help ourselves not worry so much. I hope so, because, dear god, while I want to keep some of more emotional, non-wall-non-rocklike me, I also want the me to focus.

And it doesn't help that my dad has given me two weeks to figure out what I'm doing.
I am freaking out.